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December 19, 2012

crematorie-alexander-kostinskyiwhat’s there to say?

when monstrousness rears itself in human form, are there ever appropriate words? i try to make sense and formulate a dialogue, but my emotions get the best of me, as do my tears and grief, and the guttural sounds of rage and sadness render me……monster-like.

i know in these situations i’m strongest in my silence. i send love and compassion fiercely.

albeit silently.

it’s not about me.

it rarely is. roomi didn’t think i had anything more to say on this blog. since last friday’s tragedy my thirst for kinship and connection felt ruptured; like i had a short in my companionable circuit breaker. i had taken that hairdryer of butterfly-social and submerged it in my bathtub water of misanthropic bubbles.

let me care, but let me care from planet afar….

flowerbut thankfully that resistive, terrified for puffy eyes and sleepless nights compulsion didn’t last long. i’m a sucker for sweetness, and there’s so much sweet in all of you out there i need an excel spreadsheet to keep it all straight {and then i please need someone to teach me how to use an excel spreadsheet.} especially in the places you don’t normally expect to find them: an email from an amazing mother yesterday, who is putting her children and peace for them above her own happiness, a surprise visit from one of my most favorite people in my spin classes {which sent me into an involuntary 5:45am toe touch,} a call from someone i consider my guardian angel, my mom making me a vegetarian burrito bar for me late last night when i came home from teaching {she insists that i always have something warm at night,} and the best of all, a voicemail from my aunt charla….which i will save just to hear her voice.

these are the things that draw me back into the land of believing again; believing in the beauty of humanity and wanting to pass the blessings i’ve been given on to others so we can “turn up the love” in this wild, sometimes wicked, but more often beautiful world.

peace to you m’loves.

  • confession: i saved your voicemail. yep. because i can and did…love your voice.

    you make the world a beautiful place. xo

  • What a beautiful post, Katie! I'm at a loss too when something terrible happens and I can't express my feelings. Yes, it's a wicket world we have to keep our strength to believe that there is more beauty in it too, because otherwise how can we go on?
    Merry Christmas! I wish your holidays to be filled with love, health, joy, laughter and peace!
    Ada

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