and the sleaze goes on….

May 23, 2011

i’d like to preface this post by saying i truly, sincerely wished friday’s confession would be a purge of my somewhat sooty ways.

a press of the publish button and i had hoped class and sophistication to magically fairy godmother themselves into my manners and circumstance.

i so badly want to be that girl: nary a hiccup in dress nor a stumble in decorum. i want to trombone out beautiful, tasteful soliloquies of peace and love, all the while wearing pretty dresses and sparkly headbands.

well, as an ex of mine used to say to me, with the warmth of  nurse ratched, {typically when my face was streaming with tears},

“it’s good to want things.”

so here goes my sojourn back into smut-ville:

it began with a text. not from me. to me. and to my friend alison*, FROM our mutual friend rachel*.

a photo text actually.

a banana.

with the caption “miss me”? underneath.

ok, we’ve all seen bridemaids by now; the cat is out the bag:

ladies can be just as salty as the gents….

obviously rachel wasn’t asking for banana recipes from dee-jay burnt toast and sergeant take-out 7 days a week.

so we, the wilson phillips of harmonic obscenity, proceeded with our typical “reply all” racy text banter.

i think there was mention of lubricant.

and maybe a graphic reference or two to anatomy.

{my readership is dwindling by the sentence i know}

typical friday banter, mind you alison kept all of this up while volunteering in her youngest’s first grade classroom;

talk about supermom.

thinking the filth-fest  had run its course, all of us returned to our afternoon duties: carpools, work, errands, etc;

when suddenly an unidentified number rings up alison:

a man, fury in his voice, rage in his belly, demanding to know the source of the inappropriate texts to his wife!!!!!

as alison gets lectured on text tact, the same unidentified number pops up on our conversation chain reading:

so nice to see what the wives do during the day.”

in her eager-beaver desire for bawdy banter, rachel had accidentally included her HUSBAND’S!!! number in our girl’s only chat.

obviously mr. rachel wasn’t too keen on midday texts to his wife involving astroglide and i’m pretty sure the word vag {soft g}.

luckily it was all straightened out….and yes!! another lesson learned.

i think.

i hope.

there’s always tuesday.

*names have been changed to protect the not so innocent

  • I am dying! 🙂 LMAO! A welcome, Monday belly laugh! xo

  • Oh my dear, you make me laugh so hard. And now I have to confess my raw blunder. Shortly after my divorce, I was dating a very sexy man, who I really had the hots for. I called his cell and in my best sexy voice asked if he would like to come over and….I’ll leave this part to your imagination. Let’s just say we aren’t talkin’ missionary. As I waited in heated anticipation to hear his response, the silence on the other end of the line dragged on, and finally a very young male voice whispered, “oh…yeah. Cool! uhh who is this”
    I could only hope I had reached the wrong number and some parent was going to send the police for me. But, no. My dream man’s 15 year old son was spending the weekend and answered Dad’s phone. Needless to say, that relationship ended rather quickly. And I ask you who really wants a man with no sense of humor?

  • can I leave a tasteless tee hee about alison”keeping all of it up”?

  • Oh Katie ~you ladies are my kind of gals. That kind of humor typically would get me in all sorts of hot water too but the belly laughs were well worth it!!

    Gotta love a potty mouth!!

    xo xo Deb

  • now i understand the ideal use for texts!

    and your bedside read…one of my all-time favorite books!

  • Oh dear. It's all too funny. I'll make a note to myself to always triple check the list of recipients on my texts…and emails too.

  • can you imagine texting about vaginas and astroglide while helping in your first grader’s classroom!?!?! GASP!!!! She must be one cool beaotch.

  • poor Allison

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