i was fine. it was just a saturday night movie. sat between three i love, the rest strangers. i was fine. i ate my peanut m & m’s. got good and cranky at the twits behind me talking during the previews. made a mental note to see penelope cruz’s new movie.

movie started. no surprises…….. i knew. i was fine. mo’nique will certainly win the oscar. i think…….. how did she prepare? who was her coach? what did her trailer look like?…….. technical things………….. lenny kravitz didn’t seem to have a line on his face…………….. gabourey “gabby” sidibe has the whitest teeth…………… i think paula patton and i have a mutual friend.

i was fine. it was a hard movie, but i was fine. actually felt a little let down at the flatness i felt. thought the movie would have moved me more. hmmm?

sunday morning. tree decorated. laundry folded. errands to be run. i reach for my necklace beads. i start to cry.

i see her beautiful, precious face and those sad, sorrowful eyes. those eyes. eyes lidded so heavy with pain they don’t blink, widen, or tear.  i see her wearing her necklace beads, each day a different color strand, matching her massive sweaters and jackets; a small effort, but an attempt nonetheless. anything to help diminish the horror of her reality. a reality that i know exists for so many.

all around me i know there is the silent suffering an abused child.

i can’t stop crying.

i feel stupid. i am spoiled. i feel stupid and spoiled.