i promise not to make this blog into auditiongirl.com, but some things just need to be committed to paper post.

yesterday’s grocery-store mom audition was yet another episode in the twilight zone of the hollywood shuffle.

by now, i have accepted the fact that any part i’m up for has the adjunct “ethnic” specification written in the role description:

ethnic mom, ethnic yoga girl, ethnic driver, ethnic girlfriend, ethnic wife…..ethnic food.

yesterday’s casting was no exception. it was a bevy of dark-haired, dark-skinned, exotic looking honeys, and judging by the multiple countries represented, it would have made a kick-ass potluck.

from far away it looked like roll call for the united nations. in fact after our audition we all had to get back, and vote on what to do with syria.

the ad which will run in pakistan, china, india and singapore, will promote a very popular deodorizing body wash.

in the spot, ethnic grocery mom does her best to convince ethnic child to wash dirty, stinky self with said soapy sanitizer.

signing in, i was promptly given a call sheet where i listed my measurements and contact information. having received my completed and somewhat truthful form {cup-size wishes it were an A} i was then asked by the casting director, which language will you be speaking?

shall i give you more time to read that sentence again?

yes, which “language” would i be delivering my two lines in?

um, is english not an option? – i asked.

oh, it is. but most of the girls have another language they speak, and it’s easier to assign them to a country.

is jive a country? 

crickets.

giving me the once-over, 5 times(!), she decided i was best suited for the pakistani group.

if you’ve haven’t seen me in person let me just clarify, if ever there was a country in which i do not look to originate from, it’s pakistan. i had clearly pissed her off.

as i moseyed my way over to the pakistan bench, i couldn’t believe my eyes when i saw one of my fellow pakistani sisters sitting there with an actual, real live, diaper-wearing baby!

clearly, she was taking this “grocery mom” thing to a whole new level. she actually brought a fucking baby in! did she think this was going to better her chances?!  to show the director that she was, in fact, a real, post-partum mom!? i was furious.

had i known we could bring in our own props, i would have marched in a genuine, 4-wheeling, cart from albertson’s.

take that lady! you may be a real mom, but i’m a real muthafuckin’ grocery shopper; here’s my frequent shopper card to prove it. wanna see my coupons?

hollywood is a dog eat dog, dog eat baby world m’loves. you sometimes have to stoop. apparently this lady was stooping with her baby.

fortunately the director wasn’t having it. baby was not allowed into the audition. but rather than take the loss and skip the chance to hawk smelly soap, pakistan grocery mom #1 pleaded with the bench to watch her baby while she went in and read.

i’m not a mom, but i have been around actresses and one thing i don’t think i’d ever do is leave my baby with a bunch of hungry, hollywood competitors.

it didn’t really matter because none of these bitches {a room 20 plus} offered to help.

so, you guessed it, ethnic grocery mom #2 {ME} got my childless ass up, and watched baby “krishna” while his mommy probably stole my role.

we ran, we spun, we played with my phone, he played with the buttons on my sweater and tried to eat my ponytail. although he was too young to walk, he weighed enough to get his driver’s license.

by the time his mom came out i was a sweaty, drippy mess {i was now offering to buy the soap we were trying to sell}, my makeup had melted into my bra, and krishna had fallen asleep from exhaustion.

as grateful as she was, her gratitude is doing nothing for my aching back.

and as for the audition, it went great.

well, that is if it were running in hawaii.

weekend happy m’loves

a photo of baby krishna and i playing in the halls. he loved looking at himself on the camera-phone