i get it.

i’ve been there, in the trenches of hurt, all summer long, with my fellow bruised and bitten musketeers. for the time being, for whatever respite the next couple of hours, days or weeks, hopefully months will bring us, we are hunkered down in this house of safe, swapping tears and screams, comparing battle wounds, exchanging bits of advice from therapists past, and whether or not those pills they want us to take really work or not? we share wisdom passed down by those who’ve been through these same, nothing special, trying times before us, who remind us that all those laps around the cerebral cortex seeking out redemption and relief really never gets us to a finish line with a medal strung round our neck. rather it acts as a decoy so that we miss the brilliant and beautiful taking place side by side next to us on life’s track. 

how do we remedy such sadness?

can’t we just solve it all with a green drink like all the vita-mix psychos {self-included} want us to believe?

thanks to my friend john, my ativan has become sytycd. it’s quelled my anxiety immensely:

i’d like to buy this world a twirl and keep it company…….

but only pirouettes and developés can go so far.

my town lost two innocents this weekend. and they left a wake more of casualties who suffer from their absences.

raise your fist if your pissed!

but your other hand. that open palm, dangling there by your side aching for usefulness and meaning, take that other hand and grab another’s sad, crumpled hand tightly. don’t let go first.

we are not islands. although sometimes that vision of a wide, cerulean mote of heart protection sounds like just the right kinda tight, swaddled, baby blanket we have all been so desperately trying to get back into ever since that premature evacuation into adulthood. 

anguish. you won this weekend. enjoy it. but sorry, your notes are winding down, your star is fading. you’re old, over and boring. 

despondency you have no room in this world of color, light and space where friends who barely know each other realize the deep love they feel for one another in times of need and sorrow. i had a friend who was hurting a couple of weeks ago, and although my actual time spent with him has been little in quantity, the emotion and quality and connectivity was more than some family members i’ve known all my life. i knew in one conversation i’d be this man’s wing man, in any situation he needed of me, for the rest of his life. 

do you ever have those moments?

i feel that i am having them more and more and more every day. is it god? i don’t know. i’m not a god girl?

i know i believe in angels. they’re everywhere. 

maybe i’m finally becoming one. but i like what i’m feeling.

even in the deep suck, i’ll take the connection.

love to all of you.

be good to each other. 

happy monday my angels.