not my first rodeo

October 3, 2011

whence clocking 12 hours in a yoga room over a period of two days, even a puppy will retain some nugget of information which deeply resonates in his balmy brain.

this may not be my first yoga teacher training, but that doesn’t mean my roping skills are five-star.

 this passed weekend as i dodged crow’s pose and ducked out of handstands, what became abundantly clear {for 3,409 -th time} is how much fear dominates my life.

like a third parent, fear has curbed my decision-making since i can remember- a booming, roaring, jonathan edwards voice echoing inside my head, warning me of the pitfalls ahead lest i make a false move, wrong turn, unkind word or silly mistake. fear guides much of my expression and action. not all but much.

 i am forever afraid i will piss someone off, offend or {heaven forbid} get into trouble: first as a child with my parents and teachers, and now as an adult with peers and co-workers. i have always tried my best to be agreeable and good.

i have had a hard time relating to the rule-breakers: the talkers in class, the cutters in line, those who stand when your row has yet to be called.

sure i use a tabasco tongue here and maybe a little over there, but no animals are ever harmed in the making of my rants.

but this fearful living hasn’t served me well. trouble still finds me. sadness doesn’t skip over those who stay in the lines.

i’ve never had a speeding ticket, and i’ve also never dipped skinny.

aren’t there laws against that? what would my parents think? and how terrifying if someone actually saw me!

but eeeee!! that would be fun, no?!

so now it’s time to get sweaty.

like with crow pose i work one breath at a time.

gently, i move out of my fears. the discomfort can be nauseating. living in the fear is all i know. it’s my comfy barker lounger.

i neutralize the fear with the present moment: the here, the now; no projection of what might be or what has been.

i ask myself, what is happening now? this very single second?

am i dying?! am i sick?! am i falling?!

no.

i’m here. i am still. i am safe.

my fears are perceptions. they are the brainchildren of how bad i think things can get or how hard it did hurt at one time in the past.

and the scary is only as powerful as i allow it to be.

forehead to the ground, i am in control.

and i think i just lassoed my first stag.

  • Stephanie

    Just absolutely LOVE this!!!

  • It really is all about living in that present moment.

    And now I want to go south, and discover this style (and maybe some cute men too) for myself. It's like dusty meets glam but so much better.

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