a couple of weeks ago i was in my fancy-nancy grocery store buying my 16th bottle of a supplement i most likely don’t need, sucking down a spinach, kale, ginger sludge which probably isn’t as health beneficial as i like to tell myself, meandering the pretty, shiny aisles promising wellness via organic and non-genetically modified produce, shopping for my essential oil-scented laundry detergent and vegan dog kibble {yes, i’m THAT jerk}.

en route to pay for my purchases of co-Q10, 5-dhea, reservatrol, and alpha lipoic acid {also know as the vanity supplements}, i made my routine stop to the daily sample table, typically some sort of gluten-free cookie or raw pudding, which, if history serves, results in me seeking out the nearest trash can to eject said sample from my mouth and making barf-face.

 this day’s offering was no different.

 the “mock” chicken salad, cruelty free for its non-use of adorable, baby chickens, was cruel for the abomination it left in my mouth. i don’t know what’s a worse disservice to chickens: being closed up in cages, unable to move, breathe, and having to eat one’s own foot for comfort, or some yahoo trying to pass off ass as the taste of chicken salad.

i bought hunkiest two containers.

as i waited for “fresh” ass-salad containers from the back, an ado began to astir when a loud man started yelling even louder in the general vicinity. he was hyped up mad and how! on and on he ranted to us about our wasted time on being kind and cruelty-free to the animals.

you people care more about animals than human beings! animals are animals, humans are humans! i wouldn’t waste my time saving a filthy animal! come with me to protest the war tomorrow! human beings are the ones we need to save. stop with the animals. wars are worth protesting! not animals, fight for the human beings!

ok, i get it.

while not appearing mentally unstable {on the surface} he definitely lacked prose in his protest.

he was remarkable.

red in the face, hopping up and down, lunging right and left, sweaty and a bit slobbery….almost…like……a rabid….?


i had to go, i couldn’t stick around in the zoo it was becoming: other monkeys er people growling and manic as well, gripping the bars of their cages, bouncing around, riled up with their two cents, some the ONLY sense about them.

as i strolled my cart away i had to ask my human rights gentleman, with whom the animals seemed to have offended him exorbitantly, one, teeny, tiny question:

sir, isn’t it the human beings who start these wars in the first place? 

aaah: silence.