all year-long i set pen to paper to list the things, people and circumstances i’m thankful for. typically i’m uncontainable: an erupting geyser of gratitude; oodles of exclamatory grammar gymnastics and language syntax conveying my whistling teapot of happy. 

it’s ironic to me that on this day of thanks, the christmas of gratitude, i’m honestly finding myself at a loss, and very sad.

sure there’s my treasure chest of people whom, already having heard from me this morning, those who lift me up in ways i can’t replicate with words or photographs or music. those spirits who pull my closed off, silk-threaded, slimy-crusted heart, out from under the deep roots of swampy mangroves, and fling it out over the ocean, forcing me to find my own butterfly wings in order to fly amongst my fellow flock. 

i have a legion of warriors by my side and in my heart; spurring me on to find my deepest, most full throttle laugh, and the most golden embers of warmth humans can feel from one another. i am the luckiest girl in the world. and with all that love, i therefore feel guilty for my sadness i feel today.

but there is one person who makes my world complete, and he is not by my side, like he has been every year on this day. 

my dad, my rock, my first love, is not with us this year.

he is in jail taking responsiblity for his life’s actions with dignity and grace. and although i’m extremely proud of him for his elegance in dealing with the ramifications, every day my heart is sick for his absence. 

today i am thankful for the support i’ve received from friends and family. i am breathless for a husband with superhero powers who i fall more and more in love each hour i’m near him. i’m thankful for a mother who’s unyielding strength inspires me to keep trekking on and her unfaltering faith helps me soften my own heart on those who continue to include me in their crosshairs. 

and as always i am thankful for you. those who are out there reading my nonsense, my streams of non-consciousness.  it’s such a lonely place this world. it stinks sometimes. but most of the time it’s a bouquet of lilies, tied with a lilac satin bow. thank you for giving me a place to vomit share my feelings. i don’t mean to burden you. most of the time i know i sound like a whack-a-doo, i know i do. but, i don’t know, after i write a little here….it’s like i feel just a little less whack.

love to you,