Come on? I’m totally right! Cleaning out one’s junk drawer is just like cleaning out one’s ass: best done wearing gloves, by oneself, when everything else has already been scoured speckless.

Yesterday, I found myself, alone in my spic and span house, with a few free hours and a pair of rubber gloves……Magic was made.

Post magic I’ve now found my favorite missing blush, my tiny, travel bottles of Maker’s Mark, and 1 of 3 nightguards. (Yes, i grind my teeth. Yes, i wear that giant, attractive apparatus to remedy this nocturnal problem.  Yes, when I sleep, I look like a head gear wearing Anthony Michael Hall in “Sixteen Candles.”  Try and make fun of me, and I’LL KILL YOU.)

But the most incredible thing I found?!?!??!?!?!:  my J.CREW receipt/store credit from 2007!?!?!?! How in the HELL did I forget about this?!??!?! I’ve heard those horrific stories about those mothers who forget they’ve left their babies on top of their cars, and then drive off? I can totally sympathize now. How could I forget about my credit??? How did I go all this time with all that (practically) free merchandise waiting for me to come rescue it, and bring it home? So sad. So scary. I think Beyonce should play me when they convert this harrowing story into a movie.

Today, I’m stealing away to right this wrong. And, NO………… I didn’t find my J. Crew credit in my colon!!!!!!!???!?!

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