Entries from December 2012

merry merry

December 24, 2012

 happy christmas eve to you my darlings!

are the stockings stuffed? is the tinsel hung? did you remember the milk for santa’s cookies?


hunkiest and i have been doing our best to get in the holiday spirit. our santa in residence has turned the house into a bonafide winter wonderland. the last time i counted we had 8 christmas trees and enough twinkle lights to light the disneyland parade.

don’t think i haven’t had thoughts of building my own float for the house, complete with disney princess costume, for my own princess parade.

yes, priscilla, you can ride my float. whatever? mooch. 

merryfrom the bottom of my heart, and the top of my float,




cup o’ katie

December 21, 2012

i made it.

i’m here.

my vienna sausages, 12 packs of ensure {strawberry milkshake flavored} and solar operated radios/flashlights/toilets/tents/clarisonics-because it’s important to have clear pores during the apocolypse, all went to waste.

smokerat 3:12am, california time, 26,000 years of predictions, 26,000 years of human experience, with all of its strife and jubilation, wars, births, inventions, catastrophes, leaders, heros, gurus, octomoms, tyrants, and kardashians; culminated into one, tiny blip of a clock change: a speck in the scheme in the dust cloud of humanity.



tigeri confess i was using this new mayan filofax purchase as a symbol within my own life: i had intentions of waking up with a more open, more forgiving heart, full of loving-kindness and altruistic urges; more what i believe ann curry is like when she arises each morning all dewy and angelic {beautiful skin and higher status on delta airlines included.}

it did not happen.

so much for expectation. rather than burping beams of loving-kindess, i was firebreathing daggers of bitter-rancor, and just over all pissed off.

i was on the hunt to rampage: seeking out drywall i could throw my elbow through, flower beds i could stomp my santa boots around in, or sleeping babies i could make cry. the grinch was officially in town.

pattii couldn’t get on my phone fast enough. furiously texting my guru in gratitude, i confessed my absolute embarrassment at how my best laid plans for enlightenment and growth had taken a giant 180 turn onto vitriolic avenue, knocking down the handicap safety cones and puppies on the sidewalk just for spite.


how did this happen? how could i go to bed with the plan to wake up in land of abundance and thanks, where i exhale grace and peaceful light, and instead find myself swimming through my own stupid, useless resentments, spitting venom rather than appreciation. 

my guru in residence believes that my anger is pure passion, and that it’s my job to use it as power, rather than bring me down. i HATE anger. it’s not a color that i wear well. it totally washes out my eyes, and i don’t have any shoes to go with it.


i don’t really have any answers. i know that by the time i arrived at the gym to teach my classes, my cup was full again. by the time we were 30 minutes into my spin class tears were dripping down mine and many other of my fellow riders’ faces as we honored the conneticut governor’s request for a moment commemorating the 26 lives lost in last week’s massacre.

hello mr. perspective. how i’ve missed you. 


it is late in the afternoon. my cheeks are sore from all of the smiles i could not suppress. i have cried many times today. not so much from sadness, but at the sheer magnitude of humans and their being-NESS. tears were shed because over a stranger’s story of survival, the happiness for a friend’s victory, and the optimism of another friend’s text who predicts an extraordinary 2013.

my cup is full with love.

but it also still brims full with parts anger, fire, joy, heartbreak and indebtedness. indebtedness to every experience, big and small, painful and exhilirating that has occurred in my life to let me ride these unexpected and unplanned mornings into the loveliest of afternoons and evenings.

good evening to you m’loves.

wishing you peace and love and the happiest of weekends.

see you on the other side of sunday. 




December 19, 2012

crematorie-alexander-kostinskyiwhat’s there to say?

when monstrousness rears itself in human form, are there ever appropriate words? i try to make sense and formulate a dialogue, but my emotions get the best of me, as do my tears and grief, and the guttural sounds of rage and sadness render me……monster-like.

i know in these situations i’m strongest in my silence. i send love and compassion fiercely.

albeit silently.

it’s not about me.

it rarely is. roomi didn’t think i had anything more to say on this blog. since last friday’s tragedy my thirst for kinship and connection felt ruptured; like i had a short in my companionable circuit breaker. i had taken that hairdryer of butterfly-social and submerged it in my bathtub water of misanthropic bubbles.

let me care, but let me care from planet afar….

flowerbut thankfully that resistive, terrified for puffy eyes and sleepless nights compulsion didn’t last long. i’m a sucker for sweetness, and there’s so much sweet in all of you out there i need an excel spreadsheet to keep it all straight {and then i please need someone to teach me how to use an excel spreadsheet.} especially in the places you don’t normally expect to find them: an email from an amazing mother yesterday, who is putting her children and peace for them above her own happiness, a surprise visit from one of my most favorite people in my spin classes {which sent me into an involuntary 5:45am toe touch,} a call from someone i consider my guardian angel, my mom making me a vegetarian burrito bar for me late last night when i came home from teaching {she insists that i always have something warm at night,} and the best of all, a voicemail from my aunt charla….which i will save just to hear her voice.

these are the things that draw me back into the land of believing again; believing in the beauty of humanity and wanting to pass the blessings i’ve been given on to others so we can “turn up the love” in this wild, sometimes wicked, but more often beautiful world.

peace to you m’loves.

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